I feel like I am done.

At what point, when you’ve fallen so low, is it probably better to just give up, to just give in? If I take a look at all the important areas of my life, I am behind or have fallen short in practically every area. How did I get here? I used to be so much better at balancing things, or, was I only better at convincing myself that everything was OK? What changed?

Parenthood). Yes, I am totally fucking this one up. I can’t get my shit together to find good school routines, If it’s left up to me, we are late or it doesn’t get turned in. I am not spending enough time with my girls. I am constantly yelling at them. No wonder there are emotional issues and problems.. I am not supporting them in building their confidence and self esteem. What am I even teaching them?

Career). I feel trapped in a career that doesn’t want me anymore, I’ve been hanging on for dear life because I don’t know how else to support my family. I am unproductive, uncreative, I feel like I am repeating the same designs over and over again. My companies are failing and I am being pushed out of my other job because no matter how hard I try I just cannot keep up with expectations or demands.

Health). I have let my health slide. I am not exercising, not eating healthy. I am convinced that there is something wrong with my reproductive system because I just will not stop bleeding. I need to go to the doctor, but I can’t afford health insurance. I cannot justify it.

Finance). Oh god. This one is a doosy. I went from making almost $150 a year to $50 a year in the course of 8 months. Now, $50 is nothing to shake a stick at, but whatever I do, I just can’t make it work. My house, my car, my monthly expenses were built on $150, not $50.. Now I feel like I am robbing Peter to pay Paul. I am behind on paying my taxes, (way behind) and I am scared. I don’t know what to do. I try picking up more work, but in the end it just stresses me out more and my family and my health suffer for it.

I don’t know how I used to balance it all so well.. And I don’t know why NOW things are starting to crash down around me. I know I need to make changes, but I don’t know where to start. I don’t know how to get from point A to point B without disrupting the delicate balance of everyone else’s life. I don’t want to give up, that’s never been my MO.. But how else do I go on? I am done.

Do I downsize? Let the girls live with their dad while I find an apartment somewhere? Try to get a grant or funding to go back to school? Do I think I could even find a better job in this market? I just wish I didn’t have such uncertainty about my job. About my ability to do my job well, and it’s ability to pay me for my work. Being out on your own is not all it’s cracked up to be, maybe I need a boring desk job that gives me health insurance and some kind of security. But what would I even qualify for?

I have looked at moving to other cities. But the rent shocks me. At this point I feel like I am just spinning my wheels and I am not going to get anywhere.. Not sure how much longer I can hold on.