Every time I try to completely tell you where I am and what I am thinking, I’m not able to finish. I feel like I didn’t give you the full picture last night.. There was so much more I wanted to express.
So to clarify. Yes, when I run our numbers (birth chart) together. The outcome number DOES give me pause. 4. that isn’t a very high number. And when I’ve run other peoples’ numbers, I’ve gotten way higher results. I actually found someone who was a 9. (don’t let this bug you). The interesting factor that the numbers do not account for, is.. that guy who was a 9; Never once gave me butterflies. Never once created the passion and desire that YOU well up in me. And the emotions that I have for you, completely out-weigh what any silly chart can tell me. The chart itself. was an exercise in understanding. I wanted to compare; what the chart was saying v’s my own intuition and feelings. And honestly, I haven’t found as much rhyme or reason as I was hoping to.
Also, to clarify. Yes, I have been dating a few other people here and there. The desire to do that, stemmed from 1st; being a little uncertain about how you and I fit together. But it’s also about needing a few more boxes checked with you, about understanding my feelings for you, and my fears of fucking it all up ;) There is this underlying fear with you. I’m afraid of losing you. I am afraid of NOT having you in my life. Because for whatever reason, I cannot let go of you, and never have been able to completely cut ties. When you were with Ren, the longing I felt for you was overwhelming. I knew it was my fault, I pushed you away. But I had convinced myself that you weren’t right for me. Or that I wasn’t right for you. But now that I have this chance again, there is a very big hesitation that I feel. I’m a bit afraid to move forward. What if we have our ‘go’ and it doesn’t work out. What if you end up hating me, or resenting me, or <gulp> saying goodbye to me, forever. What if we both try our best, and it blows up in our faces. The experience I had with Ryan… I don’t know if I have been able to fully convey to you how that changed me. Here was this guy; that I fell for completely. I was ready to start a new life with him. I almost moved with him to Idaho.. but then I started to see and understand that ‘this guy’ who I had fallen for completely; wasn’t who Ryan actually was. We started to have communication problems. I started resenting him. I could have tried so much harder to understand and even adapt to him.. but then you texted me. You coming back into my life made it easy for me to walk away from Ryan. I didn’t fight for that relationship at all. And it wasn’t all bad.. but if I was so much in love with this person. How do I reconcile the fact that THE MOMENT you texted me again. I tucked tail and ran…
So, why do I still get the notion (not nearly as often as before) that we aren’t right for each other. That we are too different. that we can’t make each other happy. Why is that still the intuition that I get from us. TRUE. that isn’t all I have gotten from us. Recently; the intuition that we AREN’T right for each other, has been getting less and less.
SO, where does this leave me? First, I have been completely overwhelmed with dating other people. It has really blown up in my face More than once ;) I’m not really available to other guys. They claim to fall in love (which I don’t understand) and when I don’t want to make a move with them, or be exclusive with them, they get angry. They become possessive; and I don’t ever like feeling possessed/owned. In my opinion, real men do not need to claim ownership over a woman to love her and be with her forever. Ownership is antiquated and not for me in any way.
So where does that put you and I. I know what you want. And there is a huge part of me that wants that too. I don’t know how to really communicate with you what my hesitations are. I don’t want you to take them the wrong way. And I am afraid that in telling you what troubles me about you and I, it could push you away. And I don’t want that to happen..
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