You will forgive me if this blog post comes out as a jumbled up hodge podge of thoughts and words. As these are the inner workings of my brain, sometimes I just can’t help it. This week has been.. Well, how do I describe it?? I don’t think surreal can really cover it, and surprisingly there are no synonym’s that I know of for surreal.. Not really.

This week has been Awesomeness, and Sadness, and Amazingness, and Craziness, and Fearfulness, and Happiness and…TOO DAMN SHORT. Truly.

I don’t even know where to begin. I have been blissfully spending much of my time this week with Chris. With Chris AND my girls. And it’s been.. So fantastic.  I love it, I love seeing them interact and play and my girls both love him <already>. I have felt that this week I have been shown little peaks of what our future could be, and it felt very much like the makings of.. dare I say it.. a family. It felt so, REAL. And it made me realize how much I absolutely wanted it. Wanted him, and today after Chris left, I felt completely empty and for the first time, terrified of losing it all. And certainly not because he gave me any reason or cause to think that way, but this week I crossed that line.. That line of not just wanting to be with him, but NEEDING to be with him, because he is what makes the world make sense.

Oh God. The panic that <almost> ensued. I nearly had to break out the paper bag. The voice in my head was very hard to silence. All my insecurities, my doubts.. It’s one thing to not be completely confident in myself, in what I have to offer in a relationship. But I’ve also never had to present myself as a package deal before. It’s a little overwhelming. I keep telling myself that listening to my heart is NOT a bad thing, and that <maybe> vulnerability is not such a bad thing either? Just GO WITH IT.

However, I have spent most of today in tears, and in longing, and just kind of low.

Then, tonight. I was lying in bed with my girls and my youngest was a little distraught. She had just spent the evening with her dad, and we ended up having a conversation that surprised me and broke my heart a little more. She looked me straight in the eyes and told me that she wanted to be with me every moment. She looked so.. hurt.  I asked her what was wrong. She said that her heart was connected to mine, and to her sister, and to her dad, and to her frog and that she wanted to be with us ALL every moment. And she was so honest and so pure in her wanting. It broke me, I couldn’t stop the tears.

In that moment I would have given ANYTHING to stop her pain.

We then proceeded to talk about divorce and why people had to divorce and IS Melissa a bad person and are you going to marry Chris, and what does that mean to have a step-mom or a step-dad, and <BREATHE> I was not prepared for the flood gates of questions to open and POUR out upon me..

My oldest, just sat back and intently listened. Soaking it all in, and I knew that she wanted to hear the answers too.

And then, I had a terrible thought. I felt guilty for even thinking it. I wished I could make the word ‘divorce’ disappear from my five-year-old’s vocabulary completely. I wished that this didn’t have to happen to her,  that I could have gotten it right the first time. I wished that my girls could have had two parents that loved each other completely until the end of time. I wished that my girls didn’t have to suffer from something that they could not control. I wished that I had been able to keep their fairytale alive. I wished that they belonged to Chris and I and WE were their existence, and that my ex was so far out of the story, that he was not even a side thought.

To sit there with the most beautiful blue eyes I have ever seen staring back at me, so hurt and sad, and feeling so powerless to right her wrongs was more than heart breaking, more than depressing. I don’t know how to make things better for her RIGHT NOW. What she thinks she wants she will never have.

It does make me even more determined to show her that our life is STILL beautiful regardless of the bumps.. Or even BECAUSE of the bumps..But I also know that will take time.. Actions ALWAYS speak louder than words.

Yep, a bit of a roller coaster ride still.. I wonder if these waters will ever be calm?