I feel like I should start this post with a ‘Dear, Diary’ heading.. At the risk of sounding totally sappy (who am I trying to kid anyway) :) I just got home from a date with Chris and, well.. I am falling for him – hard. Damn.. I don’t even know how this happened?? It was like I was given the old one-two punch.. If this was a comic book, I would be down for the count with stars in my eyes.

I can’t explain it. Any of it. And I don’t even want to try. I simply love and enjoy every moment I have with him. It’s exciting and scary, and REAL.. And he said something to me tonight that absolutely made me put my thinking cap on.. He told me that he has NEVER felt this way about anyone before..EVER.. That he goes to bed thinking of me, and wakes up thinking of me.. And honestly, on my drive home after my thinking cap had been firmly in place for a few minutes… I could say with 100% assurance that I felt the same way.. And maybe that’s why I am so scared.

I love the way he looks at me. The love that I feel pouring from him, it feels so natural to me, so INTENDED. But what I now need to figure out, is this.. Am I in love with his love, or am I in love with him? I am thinking it’s the latter, but I have to be sure.

There are so many times when I am around him that I find myself unable to speak. I want to say so many things, the thoughts are churning and swirling in my mind.. But.. I hold them back.. Why? Yes, I could go back to my fear of being vulnerable, my recent history with shitty guys, my less recent history with even shittier guys.. It could just be the walls that I have bulit up around myself.. It’s all a part of my squishy layer of protection. I find myself just wanting to hand Chris the key, but it’s been so long.. I am trying to remember what pocket I might have put it in..

I feel like I am still trying to catch up.. Like I am not quite ready yet. And not because I am hung up on my ex, or any other guy for that matter, I am not even worried or concerned about the possibility of an  unknown/new guy.. I have not thought of dating anyone else but Chris since Vegas.. Honestly. I have no desire to date anyone else but him.. The more I get to know him, the more I realize how much of a match he is for me..  In a way.. I feel like I may have conjured him up myself..

New Years Day.. The girls were with their dad and I had plenty of time to sit and think.. I sat down and wrote a list.. A list of everything I could possibly think of that I wanted to find in a partner. I poured my heart and soul out, then saved it to a file and did not touch it again until two days ago when I was cleaning out some old files on my computer.  I gawked at it a bit, then quickly opened up the file, and was completely floored after I read it..

Out of the 30+ things I had listed down that my perfect partner absolutely needed to have, Chris has all but one of them.. And that one thing .. Is silly and trite, and does not really pose as a deal breaker.. It was that he would have longer hair, or curly hair.. (yes I am thinking Johnny Depp.. Geez) And while I truly think that Chris would be really hot with longer hair, I like him for who he is.. Not his hair ;) And I certainly do not take it lightly that he is who he is.. I feel that he may just be my perfect partner in crime, and in love and life..

What an amazing feeling to have.