So, today was it.. My big momentous day, that quite honestly.. Took me by surprise. Not surprise in the fact that I knew it was coming, but certainly surprise in how it would make me feel..
Today I signed my divorce papers. Today it is completely final.. Not like I was expecting it not to be or anything, but I can’t describe my shock to my reaction. I completely broke down today.. I walked very confidently into my attorney’s office, signed the damn papers, left.. And immediately.. could hardly see the road because of all my tears.. I just kept driving.. I ended up at a local state park, paid the fee to go in, and drove some more.. Really, really fast.. Windows rolled down, loud music blasting, tears and mascara streaming down my face.. And oh the looks I was eliciting from my fellow park go-ers. I even scared off a nice older/retired couple who just wanted to share my picnic table with me.. (sorry)
I was, however, extremely grateful for the weather today, it seemed as though the earth was suffering with me. Storming with me. I snapped a photo of the perfect moment in time. I had wanted to document where my path took me today.. And the earth rolled over and gave me a little piece of happiness.
Beautiful :)
As I was driving around in my sadness, the one person I wanted to share my thoughts with, I couldn’t. See. I have been keeping a little secret from Chris.. He didn’t know that my divorce WASN’T final.. I sort of neglected to mention that part.. I just let him assume that it was, and yes.. Shame on me.
And oh, how that made it SO MUCH WORSE! At one point, I wasn’t truly sure what I was crying over more. The feeling and the label of ‘DIVORCED’, or the fact that I might have really fucked it up with Chris and I just needed to come clean with him.
So.. I drafted an email to him.. Told him everything, and held my breath. And was completely amazed at his response. It was everything I needed and wanted to know from him. And it made me love him that much more.. At the close of his letter, he made a statement, that when reading again.. Even now. Makes me cry.
It said,
“I wish I had known the truth about today … I would have liked to have been there physically for you, if even to hold your hand to and from the office, but like I’ve personally experienced, some paths have to be traveled solo. You don’t need to do life solo anymore, beautiful.
I love you :-)
Chris”
Seriously? :) Really? :)
How did I ever get so lucky?
Man..
So, I took the evening, trying to pull it together, had the pleasure of sharing dinner with one of my best friends.. We opened up a bottle of Chardonnay, finished the bottle of Chardonnay and just poured our hearts and souls out on the table :) It was cleansing, and cathartic, and now I am completely drained :)
I do think I have experienced every emotion today.. Do you have any idea what it feels like to simultaneously laugh and cry and completely mean them both? It makes you feel like a crazy person.. However, in some very rare cases.. Crazy is just what you need.
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