So those of you that know me, and read my blog for updates that

A. I am either too chicken shit to tell you myself (or)

B. Don’t really matter in the grand scheme of things.

Then you know what I am going through right now.

(And if you don’t know me, then why the hell are you reading this?? You Sick Fuck.)

I have moments of calm; a quiet reserve that I just know things will work out and be OK in the end. (whatever the end may be.) I have moments of complete sadness; where I just want to pull the covers over my head and disappear for a while. I have moments of shock; I can’t believe this really happened, is happening. Moments of doubt; when I just don’t know how I can go through with this.  I have moments of anger; at myself, at Chris, at the entire situation. Moments of hope, where I try to shove all the other feelings of doubt and fear away and try to listen to what my heart is telling me …

Today, this very moment, I am sad. I feel sort of empty and alone, and I start to wonder what kind of heartache am I bringing on myself by staying. Am I condoning? Am I setting myself up for the great and horrible fall? I just don’t know.

I think maybe I just need time. Time to heal. Time to prove to myself that everything WILL be ok.

It doesn’t stop me from wanting to head to Vegas though and find a few very hot black men …

Wish I had a crystal ball … Wish I knew what this journey will bring.