Last night was one of those moments in my life when everything just came crashing down.. If you are anything like me, you can fool yourself for a while into believing that the high wind you are riding is continuously blowing you in the right direction. No need to steer, just enjoy the ride, RIGHT?

Well, last night was a windless night. Time to stop and take stock. Is this where I really wanted to end up? I had just returned from a night out to see a movie with a good friend.. Beginning to wind down, when my 9 year old appears in my doorway crying. Oh Boy. Deep Breath. What’s wrong sweetie.. I can feel my body slowly tense as she begins her carefully thought out monologue..

It would seem that my going out has upset her. I have been working extremely long and arduous hours the past few weeks, and she is feeling somewhat neglected. She wants to go be able to spend more time with me.. As she is talking to me, I am kicking myself. Why am I not capitalizing on this while I still can?? I’ve only got a few more years before my presence will start to annoy and embarrass her.. Damn. I feel as though I am failing.. I really hate to fail.

Single parenthood is sometimes not always what it is cracked up to be. You are continuously pulled into a million directions at once, and I’ve been spending so much of my time running around like an idiot, just trying to stop at all the little places it inevitably takes me, that I am missing the big picture.. If only I could just clone myself.. In reality, I would LOVE to not have to work so hard.. But, now.. My working puts food on the table and a roof over our heads. (damn it, I sound just like my father) How do you explain to your child, that not only do I need to find time to work, to be your mom, to run our household, but to also keep my own sanity while doing it?? I certainly do not want her to feel neglected.. Very bad parenting moment for me there.. I am at least grateful that she would still come to me, and tell me how colossally I am screwing it all up..

So, then, after I tried consoling her the best I could, [I was so tired, and really just wanted to have the conversation in the morning] letting her sleep in my bed to help her feel better.. I lay in bed stewing, listening to her snore and thinking that this is truly what hell must be like..

I started getting angry at my ex. I started getting angry at myself; at my inability to balance it all. I even got angry at my children’s need for a mother who is always present and proactive. I got angry that there were only 24 hours in the day, and it just never seemed like enough, I got angry at all the work that still needed to be finished around my house, in my yard. I got angry at my clients, and how they just kept piling on the projects and assignments for me to undertake… I just got angry. [Not my best moment]. I had a restless, sleepless night and when 6am rolled around, I couldn’t drag my sorry ass out of bed for my morning run.. IT WAS JUST NOT HAPPENING TODAY. OY..

Now, it is 11:00 AM and I am still sitting here in my pajamas.. I am trying to summon the energy required to go work out because I know it will make me feel better..  If anything I need something to enhance my mood today..  And Viola, the universe responds ;) A text message from Chris inviting me to go to Vegas with him next weekend:) SWEET.

Chris and I have been dating for a few months. He is attractive, and funny, and sweet and all the things a girl could/would want in a boyfriend. [Which does start to freak me out just a little bit if I really start thinking about it]. Like I said before.. I don’t know where I stand when it comes to actually having a boyfriend. I am so new to dating, and figuring out who I am.. Does a boyfriend complicate things more than I should let them be complicated??  Then there’s the issue of sex.. Now, normally, sex is just not an issue for me.. There is usually a yes, and a please ;) But, recently my opinion has changed and I have a few ‘reservations’ about getting down to business with Chris. The first being how everything went down with {Mr. K}.. Yes, I know. Let it go.  But my second issue, is actually a good one. Or at least it is in my head. Chris is a little bit more ‘adventurous’ in the bedroom than I am used to. [Why, yes.. of course we’ve talked about it]. Now, this is NOT to say that I wouldn’t extremely enjoy these said adventures with him. I am pretty sure I would. BUT.. in many regards I feel like such a sexual newbie.. [damn it, stop laughing]. Sex with my ex was just boring and infrequent.. And ‘I’ wasn’t the type that cheated.. SO.. There.

I think it’s natural that there is a little bit of anxiety at how my <er> ‘skills’ measure up.  Obviously, I want to blow his mind ;) I am just hoping that my anxiety isn’t anything a little alcohol and lingerie can’t fix..

SO.. I am feeling better, the prospect of a hot weekend in Vegas has me excited. I am now planing a little shopping spree to outfit myself properly, and I think this weekend just might be exactly what I needed..

That said, I am also planning on making more time for my daughter this week. I am thinking today.. Bike ride, 3:30.. Maybe then I can kill two birds with one stone :) I love multi-tasking.

And to sweeten my mood even more.. I just heard from my Realtor. And I have finally sold my McMansion on the hill :) Looks like someone has been looking out for me after all..

THANK YOU!!