Life is hard and then you die. This has been my mother’s life adage for as long as I can remember. For a while, I think I may have actually bought into it.. But.. Life isn’t hard, it’s pretty fucking great. And it is always what you make of it.

So, what’s new with you?

I am privately dealing with the death of a close friend. She very unexpectedly passed away last week. Only 31 years old, a single mother to a beautiful 3 year old..  So I have been in a mix of shock and grief and anger. I feel terrible that I put off calling her.. She was so much fun to hang out with.. We had been scheming to go clubbing together, but as life sometimes does, it got in the way. And shame on me for letting it.. And now, Ms. M. is gone.. but not forgotten.. Her death has already shown me that you have to cease your time on this earth, take it by the balls so to speak.  There is no point living your life like a wilting flower complaining about the heat, get out in that sun, and ENJOY it. Soak it up..

So.. Vegas ROCKED.. Yes, I was a little nervous about it.. I mean, three complete days alone with one guy.. What if we got bored with each other?? ;) What if we ran out of things to talk about?? What if I had to fart? Ha.. funny story about farting.. Maybe someday I will share it with you.. <Maybe Not.>  But being alone with Chris was just great. It was a wonderful mix of comfortable, and sexiness and just plain fun.. I think we are good together.. <really good>

The fact that I had such a great time, has sort of brought out a dilemma for me..  See.. When I started dating Chris, (or dating anyone else for that matter) I wasn’t really looking for a boyfriend.. I wanted to keep things light and easy… But I still wanted to have sex ;) I thought for sure I could make that happen!! I AM super woman, RIGHT? I can do anything.  BUT.. It doesn’t really work that way in ‘real’ dating life. I know, I am a jumble of contradictions.. I want long term.. But I just don’t want it yet..  UG..

So, what do I do? I obviously want to still see Chris, but I am a little scared of falling in love, and having him fall in love with me.. Do I really need another person I can’t live without? ;) I really don’t think I am ready for that.. Do I put the breaks on? If we continue going down this same path.. That is where we are headed.. And don’t get me wrong, it’s not unfortunate ;) Chris is truly a great guy..

Ok, Ok, I am rambling.. These are just the thoughts that keep swirling in my head.. And then with all of this swirling in my head.. I think of Melannie, and ceasing life.. And keeping myself open to whatever it throws my way.. Who am I to tell it ‘no’ anyway?? Yes, I could quote a million adages here about loving and losing…

Just breathe.