I keep looking at the clock, hoping it will be later, but today does not seem to be working in my favor.. It is the NEVER ENDING MONDAY.

I feel like ranting a little tonight.. I am in a mood.. And if pressed to explain why, well.. I am not sure that I could.. Maybe it was the two+ hours of my life that I just wasted watching Knowing..(I feel like I’ve been had) Maybe it’s the bag of used shoes that my daughter just came home with from my ex’s girlfriend. (yeah, don’t get me started on that one). Maybe it’s the glass of wine that I just knocked off the bedside table that shattered when it hit the edge of the bed. (at least it was white.) Maybe it’s because tonight I feel completely alone. And that just makes me sad.

I am ready to just pick up my life and be transported into another one. I am overcome with the desire to move. To move away and just start over again. TO DOWNSIZE, in essence.. to run. Part of me wants to just slink away in the night, to melt into oblivion and leave all my responsibilities behind.. I am not saying that doing so would actually make me happy.. So when I try to think it out, I can’t explain why this desire is sometimes OVERWHELMING.  I feel like I am in a schlump. (not to be confused with chump).

I don’t know how to stop feeling that

A.) I am just repeating patterns of behavior that haven’t worked for me in the past, and will never work for me.

B.) some days I do more damage than good.

C.) No matter how hard I try, I will just never get ahead.

God, that sounds depressing. I think that today I am just not handling things very well. Maybe tomorrow it will all blow over..

My mother used to tell me that I have a very prominent self destruct feature. That to some extent I work against myself. I’ve seen this over the course of my life, in the form of making some of the damnedest choices that have been counter-productive at best.. So, a very big part of myself is asking why I have this need to run. Just when things are starting to fall into place … All I can do is think about starting over again? WTF.

What am I so afraid of? I am starting to think that  I am actually afraid of getting everything I’ve ever wanted. How fucked up is that?