Where do I go from here? I feel like I am walking down a very thin line and it’s imperative to just get through this without stopping; without thinking too much, without feeling too much.  From point A. to point B. Just do it.

Honestly, I am not sure I can. I never wanted any of this, never planned for any of this. I thought I had found my other half. It’s difficult for me to reconcile that Chris was very much playing me. What I thought, what I felt to be real and true, all of that has come into question. Funny thing is, I still don’t blame him. I certainly don’t blame myself either. I don’t know if finding fault has ever actually solved any situation. Chris kept telling me that he felt what we had was not a fantasy, to some regards I accept that. I know he loved me in his own way. But; he just never let me in. He was too afraid. Maybe he feared rejection, that the true him would not please me. Honestly, I think he just hasn’t been able to figure out what it is that he wants. What that one thing is for him that makes him want to fight.  I know it’s not me. Maybe it will be his kids, maybe it will be his sexual needs/desires. Who can say.

I still fully believe that there is someone out there for me. But I think I’ve been looking for him in all the wrong ways. To some extent, after my breakup with Paul, I just felt so damn incomplete. I needed more, but I didn’t really know what that more was..

Now, I know. I know it exactly. But I think before I am going to be able to find it; I have to work to complete myself on my own. I know that I am strong enough. God knows that I am determined enough. I know that it is the one thing I am truly fighting for. I want that other person. That person who completes me and encompasses me wholly. Without taking away any of my individuality. I know I will find that again.

I have a date tonight. Not sure if I am going to go. My heart is obviously not in it. I am thinking it might be better to just stay home with a bottle of wine. It’s just that a girl has her needs, and I am thinking that a grudge fuck might do a girl some good.