RYAN: I am going to talk and give you some of my thoughts but please don’t take offense if I choose the wrong words.

I think you are absolutely the most beautiful person that I have ever known. Your demeanor, your presentation, your personality and your beliefs. I absolutely love the calming effect that you have had on my soul in just the last two weeks. You truly calm me. I crave you. I crave your voice because it is soothing. I crave our little talks because they enlighten me. I crave your personality because it changes my perspective. I feel as if I have been living my life on a ONE way street that allows only the things that I was taught. I have always known down deep in my soul that there had to be something different.  Something more, better answers, more truth, a stronger acceptance so to speak. I have literally been on a spiritual journey my entire life. I have been seeking a more peaceful way of life. I have been seeking answers to the unknown. But I have only had access to the Bible and God for those answers. Fast forward, and now you are in my life. I know you are here for a reason. But to me, based on what I have been taught, we have a purpose. In my way of thinking, I was sparred from death in the plane crash, because I had a purpose in life. But, it was God who sparred my life and I was supposed to do something good for him. My faith in God, Jesus Christ and the Holy Spirit has become stronger and deeper as a result. But I have still not found my answers.  I have not found peace in my heart. I think that you have what I am seeking. I do not want to turn my back on my religious beliefs because I think they have helped me become who I am. I think that they have made me a better person. I like them. At the same time. What if your spirituality is in some way the same thing as my religious beliefs?  Or what if they work together? What could be the outcome? I know you talked about what you refer to as spirit and you pray. You also come from one of the oldest and most dedicated religious groups on the planet. I guess what I am getting at is that I know in my heart that there is something powerful at work here. I want to know what you know. I can feel it in my soul everyday since we started talking.

I consider myself to be morally sound and of good character. But we all have our faults.  Mine, to be perfectly honest, is that although I am a very confident individual, when it comes to life changing events I have had a tendency for insecurity. Jobs, relationships, whatever….  What if that or what if this?  Maybe it is just overthinking. But, I think it comes from my family. My family, with the exception of my mother,  has cultivated and purified the art of negativity for my entire life.  We all know that to a certain extent we are products of our environment. I have always loathed that negativity and that side of them, and myself for that matter.  It is way worse than a hatred. I loathe being around pure negativity and darkness.  My dad is a pretty cool dude when he wants to be. But  he is a force to be reckoned with otherwise. My grandmother, can be and is, one of the most condescending holier than thou people that I know. But, she is my grandmother.

I always said that I would break the cycle and I have. I strive to be positive in life, and to be a light for my daughter. To never treat people in the same manner in which I was treated.

You are the brightest light I have ever come across. In my way of thinking it sounds weird for me to say that I can feel you, because we are not in the same room.  But since you and I began texting I could feel your positive influence, the impact that you were having on me mentally. I want you to know that I am thankful for you to be in my life.

I want you to also understand that when you asked if I was nervous about anything I was not totally honest about it. I am nervous!!  I am actually scared shitless. I am nervous at any possibility of losing the most incredible person that I have ever had the pleasure of meeting. I deleted Meet Me because there is no fucking way there is someone in that app who is better for me than you are. I honestly feel like there is no better person for me anywhere. To be quite honest, my search is over. I want to be with you, I want to go to bed with you, I want to wake up with you. You are the one that I want to talk to about my day. You are the one whose hand that I want to hold. You are the one that I want to kiss and be intimate with. You are the one that I want to help through life. You are the one that I want helping me through life. YOU ARE MY ONE. I am nervous about seeing you because I do not want to be without you. I do not want to miss out on who you are deep inside. To see the things that are in your soul that have never been shared with anyone else, but will be shared with that one person you consider your soulmate. I do not want to miss out on who I am becoming, and who I will be, because of you being a part of my life.

Sorry I wasn’t honest about that. But I knew that I would never be able to express that by saying it.

I love you more than I have ever loved.

My RESPONSE:
Wow. I have to say I never saw that coming, lol. not really. you take my breath away, Ryan.

Wow, I have to regain my composure, lol.

Ok, first, I would never ask you to give up anything about yourself. I think you are looking at my spirituality with an all or nothing mentality and thats not really how it works. I absolutely believe in god and in Jesus Christ, even the holy spirit. I just utilize and believe in them without the rules and limitations of religion.  Its essentially the same things you believe, just more, and maybe with a few twists. lol.

But you don’t have to turn your back on god to embrace spirituality, In fact its the opposite, I think it actually strengthens your relationship with God because you end up cutting away the parts that no longer serve you, the parts that were created by man to keep you searching, to keep you small. God wants you to embrace all that you are and all that you came here to do, unabashedly. He doesn’t need the labels, the pomp or circumstance, because he knows whats in your heart, he knows your soul.

And as to all the other stuff 😊 I feel like you opened my journal and read my entry describing my feelings about you 😉 I don’t want to take away ANYTHING you said above because it was all so beautiful. However, I 100%, without hesitation, feel the same way.  And I am nervous for the same reasons.  Its funny, I am pretty confident in who I am as a person, I know I have a lot to offer, but I am TERRIFIED, that for whatever reason there will be something you don’t like about me, lol. And that thought just stays there at the back of my mind.  I know I have said this before, but I feel like I’m a work in progress 😉 And until I am back on track with my body/weight I will probably be a little less confident then I usually am.. I’m working on it.. Can you tell I am still a little insecure there?? lol.

I feel like at this point, we get to both just dive in with the full understanding that there is something deeper at play here. Strings have been pulled, divine intervention has transpired, that isn’t something you just lightly walk away from.  I have always said I was searching for the one that made me want to stop searching; well. I found you, baby. After 41 years :) I am so fucking excited to hold you and kiss you and just be with you. I’m not ever letting go.