August.
If I thought June and July were rough, August has blown me out of the fucking water. I feel a little beaten, a little bruised. I am wondering when this year is going to start turning around, it has to, right?? And the strangest part is that there have been so many elements of good, elements of great. But I am still left feeling used and down and so incredibly not myself.
I am at a place of questioning. Wondering if I can live up to expectations, wondering if I am following the right paths, wondering who to trust, who to say goodbye to, And WHERE TO GO FROM HERE.
If I had a dollar for every time someone told me how much they admired my strength I would be so very rich and sunning myself all day long on a beach in the French Riviera. I’d be sipping sangria while Paulo fanned me and Raul fed me grapes. (Ahhh.) I am actually sick of hearing about my strength and courage. I feel as though because of these characteristics others see in me, I am striped of my right to simply BITCH. And, what if my strength and courage are all just a show? What if inside I am just as scared and afraid as the next guy? Shouldn’t that allow me some leeway? Am I selfish to think so?
I am not sure what it is that I should be doing. I am trying to turn things around, trying to fight the current, but I feel as though that most days I am ill-equipped to handle it all. So do I just continue to fake it? Pretend a little longer? And what do you do when the people in your life depend on you to remain strong, to be happy and productive, to set an example? And what if it takes all of your courage and your strength to simply get out of bed and force a smile for them? God, how did I get here again?
It kills me. I thought this shit was done with me. And it hurts. I feel myself pulling away. From the ones that matter most, I used to think that love could solve everything, move mountains, but I am learning that sometimes love is not enough.
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