Today has been a terrifically unproductive day. I’ve spent most of the day in bed. Cuddling my babies, thinking, watching random Disney movies,  taking it easy, thinking a little more. I am sitting in my bed now on my laptop. My sweet daughter has set me up with some calming Enya and mood lighting :) I am still a little queasy, possibly from drinking too much tequila last night, possibly from stressing about various personal and financial issues, or maybe just because I haven’t been sick for a while and it’s just my turn. It doesn’t matter. I am actually a little thankful for the excuse to just relax, just be.

I’ve been re-evaluating all day long. Thinking things through. Last night with Chris … We started talking again about having a baby, about getting married; about our future. I told him that marriage scared me, and it does. But honestly, I feel so pulled into many different directions. My fear of marriage isn’t of spending the rest of my life with one person.. That is the good part of marriage. My fear is of becoming complacent, of getting too comfortable, of taking the other person for granted, of losing the most important person in your life because you get too caught up in the distractions of life. I am also slightly hard headed. I NEED to prove to myself that I can take care of things on my own. (even though at the moment I am failing miserably.) I am not looking for a knight in shining armor to jump in and rescue me.

However, the thought of my life with Chris, being his wife, having his baby, it’s everything I want. And when I think about it, I really don’t want to wait, for any of it. (it’s that whole patience thing) I want to keep journeying down this road. And I don’t want to wait one more day for anything … I want him, right by my side for always. RIGHT NOW> To be his wife and to feel that I rightfully belong in every aspect of his life and he in mine.

The traditionalist in me wants that natural succession of events.. The proposal, the engagement period, the big wedding, followed by the rest of our lives. The free spirit in me wants him to just move in RIGHT NOW, give our lives and hearts to fate and destiny. I’ve been waiting for him to come into my life for almost 34 years.. Why should I wait for one more day?

The extreme positive in all of this however, is that whatever road I go down, it leads to the one person I want to spend the rest of my life with. How cool is that.